Channeling My Inner Goat: What Cancer Taught Me About Negative Self Talk

One night last May, after I'd started chemo but before chemo was really kicking my butt, it was really warm.  I don't like warm.  Well to be honest it was probably like 68 degrees and I was likely having a pregnancy induced hot flash but like I said, I don't like warm.  Michael came in our room to find me flopping around on the bed like a fish out of water trying to get comfortable and we had the following exchange:

Michael:  Do you want me to grab you a blanket?

Me:  Ugh..NO...I'm DYING...

Michael:  .................................could you..........................not...........................say that?

End Scene.

That little exchange really stopped me in my proverbial tracks.  I felt horrible.  How could I use that phrase: "I'm dying" so flippantly when it was possible that I could shuffle off this mortal coil sooner than anticipated?  I could do it partly because we say "I'm gonna die" and phrases like it all the time in casual speech, which of course is how I defended this behavior to myself.  That night, in the following days, and all the way up to this moment, I've wrestled with this.  The truth is that yes, it is just a casual turn of phrase, but it is also a bad habit.  I'm prone to hyperbole and in difficult frustrating situations this is often the soundtrack in my head:

I can't take this another minute, I'm gonna die.

I will not survive this.

KILL ME NOW!! (delivered while shaking my fist at the heavens)

Am I suicidal?  Of course not.  I'm just having a melodramatic pity party, and unfortunately I'm so prone to these types of histrionics that I can easily work myself into a snowball of doom over things that are tiny and fleeting in the scheme of life.  There are so many negative aspects to this self talk, not the least of which is that if considerable time, effort, and money has been expended on a daily basis precisely so that you will not die it is kinda crappy to shake your fist at the heavens and beg for a lightning bolt because a little person wrote on the couch or whatever.

I don't mean it like that I argued with myself.  Then why say it? I annoyingly countered...to myself.  Even worse, none of the situations that prompt this sort of melodrama are actually that big of a deal.  I never go down that mental road when faced with actual trials.  When it took 4 tries to get my line in for chemo?  No worries!  Breath through it!  Offer it up!  I'm in labor with no drugs?  Enter into it.  Accept it.  Breath through it.  Offer it up.  Even that dark dark night when I found out I was a pregnant cancer patient, I never once said I would die.  I wondered how on earth I would do it, but I never once expressed a desire or a fear that I would die.

But if I have to have this conversation with my 4 year old 6 times before I get down one cup of coffee in the morning?

4 year old:  Mama?  Is tomorrow is the next day?

Me:  Yes.  Tomorrow is the next day.  It is the day after today.

4 year old:  What day will it be when I wake up tomorrow?  It will be tomorrow?

Me:  When you wake up tomorrow it will be Wednesday.

4 year old:  And it will be tomorrow?

Me:  Well, then it will be today, because it will be the day you are on.  Tomorrow means the day that comes next.

4 year old:  So Tomorrow is the next day?

Me:  Yes.  Tomorrow is the next day.  It is the day after today.

At this point in the 5th or 6th iteration of this super fun exchange I'm mentally shaking my fist and bellowing "KILL ME NOW!".  But really?  Kill me?  Now?  Awesome attitude for a cancer survivor with 6 kids.  But...BUT what I really mean is I don't want to do this now.  I can barely tolerate this now.  Spending all day dealing with little kids can occasionally make me feel like I am on. the. brink.  I don't want to die, but I start to feel like a caged animal that's getting poked with a stick.  I just want out.  I definitely don't feel like having that conversation again, or cleaning up that mess again, or keeping my composure through someone's temper tantrum again.

I was talking through this with my sister one day and I was trying to express this conundrum.  Sometimes, I told her, I get so overwhelmed and frustrated that "I want to die" just doesn't sound wrong.  Sometimes I just don't want to deal one more second.  But I obviously really don't want to die all the way...I just want a break.  Some kind of suspended reality like a coma or something, but it can't be a coma coma because it would cause hardship for my family.  It just needs to be temporary and short, like narcolepsy...and that's when it hit me.  I want to be like this:

I want to be a fainting goat.

It's the perfect plan.  The next time I hear squeals coming from the room containing 3 little girls who should have been sleeping an hour ago and I go upstairs only to be greeted by requests for more drinks, more snuggles, or pointing fingers of blame at their cell mates I just want to pull one of these:

Oh, your sister was breathing loud?  See ya.

I want to have a reset button.  When I'm on the brink of losing it and the crazy just keeps coming at me I want to be able to just hit the deck like one of those goats.  Tell me that wouldn't stop little people in their tracks.

Kid:  I want a yogurt.

Mom:  No.  Dinner will be ready in 10 minutes.

Kid:  I'm so hungry!  PLEASE!  I just wanna yogurt!

Mom:  I know you're hungry and we will eat in ten minutes.  I am done discussing yogurt.

Kid:  Mom, mom, mom, mom, mom, mom, mom, mom, mom

Mom:  

Nope.

Once I formulated this theory, that I wish I could just faint momentarily when things got overwhelming, I didn't really need to faint anymore.  Where I would normally launch a pity spiral of doom I would immediately get the mental image of a fainting goat and it would make me laugh and in a way it gave me the mental break I was looking for.  Sometimes I even pantomime being a fainting goat by dropping my head to one side, sticking my tongue out the side of my mouth, and closing my eyes.  I just let myself go kinda limp.  It makes me giggle everytime.

This is a gift cancer gave me.  It showed me a bad habit I'd developed, that terribly negative and melodramatic and frankly bratty self talk, and presented me with an opportunity to replace it with something much more positive.  Had I not faced the actual threat of death, I would have gone on indulging in these ungrateful, vapid mental rants and I would have continued to tell myself the lie that I shouldn't have to deal with the poop in the tub, the siblings bickering and needing instruction, the person driving too slow when I'm running late...I DO have to deal with that.  I have to deal with all of that, with love, with compassion, with patience, and with a positive empowered outlook.  It is my privilege to deal with that, because that is the stuff of life.  Sometimes I might not feel like being patient when someone pitches a fit right before they put their shoes on for school because the seams of their tights aren't quiet right, but I have to remember that it could pretty easily be someone else having to deal with it in my place because I'm not there.  Instead of going off the deep end and even joking about death, I'll just close my eyes and channel my inner goat.

So, the next time your kids are making you nuts, or you're stuck next to a lady at a dinner party who is droning on and on about her bunions, or someone is asking you if you're done having kids, or when you're going to have kids, or whatever it is that makes you feel like you're on the cusp of losing your goodness gracious mind, instead of succumbing to some kind of negative mental spiral, think of these guys:

You're welcome.

7 Posts In 7 Days?!?!?

What are you trying to do to us Mrs. Fulwiler?

Just kidding.  She doesn't have a gun to my head, but she might mail me a scorpion.

This week I'm participating in the "7 Posts, 7 Days" link up over at conversiondiary.com.  Because I'm already freaking out about what I will write all 7 days I'm opening up the week with a cheater cheater pumpkin eater and telling you about my facebook page.  Will you go over and like me?  That way the people in my real life who only want to hear about my 2 year old pooping in the tub can be spared the notifications about my blog posts.

This is still not much of a post so I will also tell you 7 things about me that you might not already know:

1.  I'm an INFP on the Myers Briggs Type Indicator.  That basically means I'm a ball of feelings on two legs that would prefer to spend most of my time hiding in my room.

2.  I was a cheerleader in high school and college which you don't need to tell me makes no sense when referring to #1 on this list.

3.  I hate spiders and I  could never articulate why until the brilliant Allie Brosh finally put one under a microscope and showed the whole world what I'd been accurately perceiving my ENTIRE LIFE:

If you think this picture is not an accurate depiction of spiders you are a sociopath.  Or dumb.  Or a dumb sociopath and you and your ice cold heart scare me almost as much as this picture.

4.  I can't wait to be an old lady someday.

5.  I took the "Which Downton Abbey Character Are You?" quiz that was floating around facebook and I got:

I've never killed anyone.  Just so we're clear.

I really really wanted to get the Dowager Countess so I spent a whole day wondering where I've gone wrong with my life.  I'm comforting myself with the thought that Lady Mary and I are working our way up to Dowager Countess status.

6.  I wish Hershey's Nuggets with Almonds were real medicine, but I know they are the very best fake medicine.

7.  My bark is much worse than my bite.

That's one post down, six to go!  I promise I'm working on some that are less fluffy!  Please go check out the other participants on Jen's Linky Post and don't forget to like this blog on Facebook!

4 Months And A Day

Yesterday was 4 months since my last chemo.  In some ways I can't believe it's been that long and in other ways it already seems like a lifetime ago, like elementary school or something.  It is both far in the rearview and and ever present.  It feels like it's way in the past because I'm exercising again, Pilates once a week for now plus swimming laps several times a week.  I'm really and truly The Mom again, driving all over kingdom come and feeding and clothing and schooling and just Momming all day.  I arrive at the end of the day tired and overwhelmed and pretty sure there is no way I can do it again the next day, but it's not because I'm sick, it's because that is the life of a Mom of small children.  Many days go by where I wouldn't think of cancer at all if it weren't for my short hair and little reminders.  I still have bruises on my arms where the IV's were for my last 2 treatments.  Seeing them reminds me of the serious stuff they were putting in me not to long ago.  Most days I still can't wear my wedding rings because I still puff up from poor circulation.  This is improving as I exercise more.

My hair has really come in and I rarely cover my head anymore.  This is a new development in the last few weeks, as my comfort level with my new coiffe grew and the kids' did as well.  The first place I ever went with a bare head was to Pilates at our YMCA and it was no big deal because almost everyone else in the class had short hair.   I have my italian genes to thank for the lightening fast regrowth I'm experiencing.  Right now I look like Fantine, but a really romanesque Fantine so I guess that makes me Patti Lupone?  Seriously, could it get any better?  I would argue that no, it could not.  But, I couldn't find a picture of Ms. Lupone as Fantine post hair selling when I made this:

Anne Hathaway as Fantine vs. Do you know how hard it is to take a profile selfie and also my neck isn't that short but I had a cowl neck sweater on.

So that's my hair update.  I'm really feeling better all the time.  Avery continues to do beautifully and is now in the 22nd percentile for length and the 40th for weight so not only is she on the chart...she is ON the chart.  She's our little sweet fatty baby.  As for our 4 month milestone, she's not that impressed:

What's the big deal Mom?  Aren't we just always going to be kicking ass on a daily basis?

Finally, please pray for 2 precious children facing difficult diagnoses:

First for Ava who was diagnosed with brain cancer a few weeks ago.  Her Dad Jeff is a friend from my days as a cheerleading instructor with the National Cheerleaders Association.  Jeff and his partner brought Ava to the ER and were told she had a brain tumor the size of tangerine.  The tumor has been removed and now they face treatment.  Please pray for Ava, her dads, her sister, and everyone who treats her.

Please also pray for a little boy named Benjamin.  I don't know Benjamin or his family personally, but we have many friends in common.  Benjamin is another child whose parents found out their child was facing brain cancer.  Benjamin's cancer is very aggressive and he, his parents, his siblings, and his treatment team need our prayers.  Please pray for them.  That link is for an event that already passed, but please continue to pray.  

Hope all is well with you dear readers!

It's An Honor Just To Be Nominated

Thank you everyone who responded to my VERY last minute request that you vote for me in the Sheenazing Awards.  We didn't win, but I'm not Susan Lucci-ing here--it really IS an honor to have been nominated.  I've only been at this for a few months and I'm deeply grateful for the support I've received for my ranting and whining.  You have all been a light to me during this time, so even before the voting I'm really the one who won.  

Besides some of my all time favorite blogs are co-nominees/winners and I just. can't even. HANDLE IT!!!  Please be sure to go over to Bonnie's and check out the winners and if you didn't get a chance, definitely go through the nominees and see if you can't find a new blog to follow.  

AND AND AND a blogger I know in REAL LIFE was a RUNNER UP!!  In the Funniest Blogger Category!!  And she really is that funny!!  Most of you already know, but some of you don't, that Heather at Mama Know's It Honeychild outed herself as the Facebook Friend who was the catalyst for my post for the anniversary of Roe vs. Wade.  Go read it.  Heather is the real deal and she is SO FUNNY.  Don't miss her post on putting the kids to bed.  Congratulations Heather!

Thank you everyone!  You are so good to me!  Don't forget to go to Bonnie's to check out and congratulate the other winners and if you can please say a prayer for one of Bonnie's readers who has asked us to pray for Venerable Fulton Sheen's intercession for a little girl with real cancer, not the baby kind that I had.  

Eternal Father, You alone grant us every blessing in Heaven and on earth, through the redemptive mission of Your Divine Son, Jesus Christ, and by the working of the Holy Spirit. 
If it be according to Your Will, glorify Your servant, Archbishop Fulton J. Sheen, by granting the favor I now request through his prayerful intercession: 
the complete healing of Samantha from cancer and the return of her health. 
I make this prayer confidently through Jesus Christ, our Lord. 
 Amen

My Plan Is Coming Together

I've always loved to write.  It has always felt very natural to me and words have always been a comfort to me.  I started reading blogs sometime in 2006 and my bookmarks quickly became a mile long because I didn't even know about feed readers or subscribing by email.  It didn't take long before I thought maybe I might have a blog one day.  My problem was that I didn't have a good hook.  I'd just be another Mom shouting into the ether.  I needed something to make me stand out like Jennifer Fulwiler's scorpions and life as an Atheist to Catholic convert, or Heather from Mama Know's It Honeychild's hilarious pictures.

Then along came cancer.  Talk about a hook!  And let me tell you it has paid off in spades because I've been nominated for a Sheenazing Award!  Bonnie, who blogs at A Knotted Life coordinates the awards and describes them as follows:

The Sheenazing Blogger Awards are named for Venerable Fulton J. Sheen. Sheen was amazing at using the newest forms of media to communicate the beauty of the Catholic Church and his love of Christ to the world. I'm positive that Sheen would be a blogger were he alive today and that he is in Heaven, totally approving of this award.

Bonnie has a special place in her heart for Venerable Fulton J. Sheen because of the alleged miracle that occurred to save her sons life.   I am so honored that someone wanted to nominate my blog in the "Most Inspiring" category.  If you feel moved to do so, would you go vote for me?  Also, do yourself a favor and check out the other nominees, it's a great way to find great new reads.

So, something you should probably know is that today, Monday, is the last day to vote...I know.  What's wrong with me?  Why didn't I tell you sooner?  I did a classic INFP when I found out about my nomination THIS PAST THURSDAY and freaked out internally and tried to find a way to let you all know without having to actually tell you about it.  You see, my introvert spidey senses are very conflicted about this blog thing.  They are happiest when this is somewhat distant and I can maintain the illusion that only 3 people read this which makes no sense because why not just keep a journal?  I don't even know except to say that I am compelled to write and I think writers just need readers.  It also occurred to me that it would be weird and rude to just pretend like this didn't happen because coordinating something like this takes time and effort and on top of it some dear soul nominated me and what a slap in the face to them to just act like I don't care.

Thank you person who nominated me.  Thank you Bonnie for coordinating this.  Thank you dear readers for sticking with me and praying for me and encouraging me and thank you in advance for maybe voting for me.

An Open Letter To My Fellow Pro-Lifers On The Eve of the Anniversary of Roe Vs. Wade

I started this blog in part to be a witness to the fact that it is possible to be diagnosed and treated for cancer during pregnancy and have a successful outcome for both mother and child.  I am pro life, and any information that I believe would save a woman and child from abortion I view as vitally important and I feel a moral obligation to share it wherever and whenever I can.

BUT

Please, fellow pro lifers, do not use my story as a stick to beat people with in an argument.  Do not use my story as a rhetorical device to win a round of anecdotal gotcha.  Fellow pro lifers, tomorrow when you feel especially inspired to speak out in defense of life I'd like to suggest one thing:

 

Tomorrow is an emotional day.  It is hard not to feel compelled to shout from the rooftops the injustice that has been done and continues to be done in this country everyday, but I'm going to ask as a woman who has faced a crisis pregnancy that when you want to post something on facebook or jump in a combox tomorrow, stop.  Just stop, take a breath, and pray on it.  If you are not a believer meditate on it.  Think about what a woman who is considering abortion must be facing and say to yourself: There but for the grace of God, go I.  Then stop, take a breath, and pray, and meditate on it and say to yourself again: There but for the grace of God, go I. There are many times that I am sure I have the most brilliant point to add to a conversation that will enlighten all who hear it and if I pause to pray about it first that Holy Spirit puts a muzzle on me.  We always like to think when we're spouting off that it's Him at work, but when was the last time you asked Him before you spoke to see if you should speak at all?  It's not likely that you will have anything new to add to the discussion tomorrow.  I'd like to submit that what you say could possibly even do more harm than good.

I found out I was pregnant and soon to be diagnosed with cancer right before the anniversary of Roe vs Wade last year.  I went through the events of my diagnosis during 40 days for life.  One day during this time a facebook friend posted something about "If you are facing a crisis pregnancy have courage!".  In that moment my blood boiled.  Courage!  How dare she!  She has NO IDEA about courage! I just sat there and fumed and then I remembered...she does have an idea about courage, because she had her oldest child when she was just 17 years old and raised him as a single mother for years before she met her husband.  She is kind, compassionate, and walks the walk when it comes to providing true support for women facing crisis pregnancies.  I agreed with what she was saying, but I couldn't stand to hear it.  I am pro life, but suddenly many messages that used to sound totally compassionate and reasonable to me, messages I have spoken and typed myself with nothing but love in my heart, sounded insensitive and sometimes hurtful.

I received many kind, loving emails offering prayers to St. Gianna Molla on my behalf and encouraging me to do the same...but all I could think was...you guys...she's...DEAD.  It felt a bit like people were romanticizing what was for me REALITY.  These are dear, compassionate people, they were not romanticizing my situation, but I was truly having to contemplate and research and rehearse telling my 5 small children that their mother was dying, because at that time I didn't know, and that's not something you want to screw up.

If you are a mother, I want you to close your eyes right now and imagine gathering your children around you and telling them that you are going to die.  That you are going to leave them.  I want you to see their faces and the disbelief and fear and anguish that washes over them BECAUSE OF YOU.  Then I want you to imagine how it would sound to you to have someone who did not have to contemplate that possibility in a very real way telling you to have courage.  How would you receive that message?  Would it sound compassionate to you?  Imagine now that you aren't pro life.  Now how does that sound?  Fellow pro lifers, the people you are trying to reach are suffering through fear and anguish I pray you never face.  Your editorializing will not change their minds.  Your mercy might.  Please, remember, There but for the grace of God go I.  If you want to say something, stop, pray, There but for the grace of God, go I. 

In the minute or so after my second pregnancy test came up positive I considered having an abortion.  In that moment I considered having an abortion because the idea of telling my husband that I was pregnant when he was already reeling from the news that I likely had cancer was absolutely more than I could bear.  I considered having an abortion because I had 5 small children at home and I didn't know what my pregnancy would mean for my treatment and I didn't want to face the possibility of leaving them.  I considered having an abortion because there are people in our lives that I knew would take the news that I had cancer better than the news that I was pregnant again, even if it had been without the cancer.  I knew in that moment that only I knew truth of my situation and that if I wanted to keep it that way I could.  I could have easily made it just go away.  What I experienced that night, sitting in the stall of a grocery store bathroom, was anguish to an extreme that I believe I now understand viscerally what our Lord experienced in the Garden at Gethsemane when "He was in such agony and he prayed so fervently that His sweat became like drops of blood on the ground." (Luke 22:44)

I am a white, privileged woman living in the United States of America in the 21st century with a husband who is a good provider and who is deeply compassionate and committed to our family.  I have family and friends that I knew would support me every step of the way without fail.  If I was so scared facing my crisis pregnancy that I considered an abortion despite at lifetime of being fervently pro life, please reflect on the terror of a woman who is a member of any number of minorities, who is poor, who does not have anyone to support her materially or emotionally.

There, but for the grace of God, go I. 

Tomorrow, if you absolutely must do something, send money to Feminists for Life , or Abby Johnson's organization And Then There Were None, or to your local Pregnancy Center.

Tomorrow, if you are a believer, pray.  If you think that's not enough then that is absolutely where you should start.  What do you think your hastily chosen words can accomplish that God cannot?

Tomorrow, if you must say something, PLEASE REMEMBER, there but for the grace of God, go I.  Choose your words with the utmost of care and imagine what you would need most desperately if you were facing a crisis pregnancy.

Happy New Year!

This past Saturday marked exactly a year since the chiropractor felt a lump in my neck.  It's surreal to look back now and realize a whole year has passed.  This year will be full of "a year ago today"'s.  The 16th of this month will be 3 months since I've had chemo, and also one year since I was crying in the stall of a Wegman's bathroom.  I know a lot of people would expect me to be all "See ya 2013, don't let the door hit ya blah blah", but I'm really not.

Instead of seeing 2013 as the year I had to ask for help, I want to see it as the year I learned just how much help there was from so many unexpected places.

Instead of seeing 2013 as the year I had cancer, I want to see it as the year I beat cancer.

Instead of seeing 2013 as the year I faced a crisis pregnancy, I want to see it as the year we welcomed Avery Hope into our family.  Seriously...she's gone from this:

1 Day Old: 4lbs 4oz

To this:

She turned 5 months old on Christmas Eve.
She's closing in on 15lbs and eating and breathing LIKE A BOSS.

I want to look at it as positively as I can.  Is that easy? NO.  In many ways looking forward to 2014 is even scarier than looking back.  Do I have plans for 2014?  I guess.  Since I last wrote I've felt like I was in one of these:

I've been swimming and swimming and feeling like I was getting absolutely nowhere.  That makes it hard to make plans, or more accurately, to live up to the plans I made when all I could do was lay around and tappity tappity on the keyboard.

Sorry I dropped off the face of the planet.  It was that, or drown.  You don't really need me to tell you that the last 3 months contained Halloween, Thanksgiving, and Christmas.  You have a calendar.  It's just that, I was also learning to be The Mom again.  I've been learning to be the Mom again in a totally new family than the one I had when I started chemo.  Everyone is older and we have new schedules and new needs and we also have a new baby.  I almost forgot about that part.  I was crying to Michael about what a loser I was because I don't have it all together now that chemo is over and he was like: "Do you ever have it together before a baby turns 6 months old?".  Good point.

Anyway, I'd like to continue to write here, I just don't know when or how to make that a regular thing, at least in the short term.  I just said to my friend Sarah that in 2013 I was just a passenger.  In 2014 I'm learning to drive again and I wanted to be a better driver than I was before.  I have to figure out this new Nella I'm walking around in and how she ticks.  I have to figure out how to live up to the gift of remission.  People have contacted me to ask if I'd be continuing this blog.  Some asked me to please continue this blog...seriously...I'm not even kidding.  I'm going to try, I'm just not sure how much I'll be able to write at least in the short term.  Most attempts of mine to write lately result in my brain being like this:

I'll keep trying anyway.
 I'm not sure if that means I'm persistent or have the intelligence of a Hamster.

Remission is weird.  Everyone thinks cancer is done but it's really not.  Not for me anyway.  Don't get me wrong, remission is a blessing and there are many who never get to this point and I am so grateful.  At the same time, remission doesn't mean I'm out of the woods.  I'm not considered cured until I've made it 5 years with no detectable signs of cancer.  I just had a follow up CT scan and I go for a check-up and to get the results Friday.  I have to live my life like cancer couldn't just pop back up anytime, and that's what I intend to to,  but it's hard when I'm still going for scans and check ups every few months.  I'm still living with the physical effects of chemo.  I wake up with nerve pain in my arms at least once a night and my circulation is not great.  I can't wear my wedding band because my hands are a bit swollen.  My cognitive function is still in the crapper.  My energy level is improving and the cognitive function is as well, just not as fast as I'd like.

In many ways it's like this cancer thing is just starting to happen to me because as the physical effects slowly disappear, everything that happened is starting to really sink in.  When I was in the middle of it I was just pushing pushing pushing through being positive positive positive and chirp chirp chirping that I was blessed blessed blessed when I wasn't asleep asleep asleep or loopy loopy loopy.  Now I'm trying to be Mom again and sometimes it just hits me all at once and I'm just like "DID THAT REALLY ALL JUST HAPPEN?!?!?!?  WHY ARE WE ALL JUST STANDING HERE ACTING LIKE LIFE IS NORMAL DO YOU KNOW WHAT KIND OF CRAZY ASS CRAP CAN HAPPEN TO YOU AT ANYTIME??????  OH MY FLIPPING GOODNESS THE LAST YEAR SERIOUSLY JUST WENT DOWN LIKE THAT?!?!?!?!?!?".  And then I feel bad.  Because I'm in remission and I should feel happy and grateful.  I should feel light and free but instead I feel a huge weight of responsibility.  I need to live up to the gift of my remission.  That's what 2014 is about.  That's what every year from now on will be about.  That's what every year should have been about all along and should always be...living in a way that reflects gratitude for the gift that is my life.

Obviously 3 months out from the last time they poisoned me isn't the best time to expect myself to be writing a whole lot, exercising non-stop, or most of the other things I dreamed I'd do after remission back when all I could do was lay in bed all day.  I'll figure it out, bit by bit, and I'll try to share it with you when I can.

Happy New Year dear friends!