Happy New Year!

This past Saturday marked exactly a year since the chiropractor felt a lump in my neck.  It's surreal to look back now and realize a whole year has passed.  This year will be full of "a year ago today"'s.  The 16th of this month will be 3 months since I've had chemo, and also one year since I was crying in the stall of a Wegman's bathroom.  I know a lot of people would expect me to be all "See ya 2013, don't let the door hit ya blah blah", but I'm really not.

Instead of seeing 2013 as the year I had to ask for help, I want to see it as the year I learned just how much help there was from so many unexpected places.

Instead of seeing 2013 as the year I had cancer, I want to see it as the year I beat cancer.

Instead of seeing 2013 as the year I faced a crisis pregnancy, I want to see it as the year we welcomed Avery Hope into our family.  Seriously...she's gone from this:

1 Day Old: 4lbs 4oz

To this:

She turned 5 months old on Christmas Eve.
She's closing in on 15lbs and eating and breathing LIKE A BOSS.

I want to look at it as positively as I can.  Is that easy? NO.  In many ways looking forward to 2014 is even scarier than looking back.  Do I have plans for 2014?  I guess.  Since I last wrote I've felt like I was in one of these:

I've been swimming and swimming and feeling like I was getting absolutely nowhere.  That makes it hard to make plans, or more accurately, to live up to the plans I made when all I could do was lay around and tappity tappity on the keyboard.

Sorry I dropped off the face of the planet.  It was that, or drown.  You don't really need me to tell you that the last 3 months contained Halloween, Thanksgiving, and Christmas.  You have a calendar.  It's just that, I was also learning to be The Mom again.  I've been learning to be the Mom again in a totally new family than the one I had when I started chemo.  Everyone is older and we have new schedules and new needs and we also have a new baby.  I almost forgot about that part.  I was crying to Michael about what a loser I was because I don't have it all together now that chemo is over and he was like: "Do you ever have it together before a baby turns 6 months old?".  Good point.

Anyway, I'd like to continue to write here, I just don't know when or how to make that a regular thing, at least in the short term.  I just said to my friend Sarah that in 2013 I was just a passenger.  In 2014 I'm learning to drive again and I wanted to be a better driver than I was before.  I have to figure out this new Nella I'm walking around in and how she ticks.  I have to figure out how to live up to the gift of remission.  People have contacted me to ask if I'd be continuing this blog.  Some asked me to please continue this blog...seriously...I'm not even kidding.  I'm going to try, I'm just not sure how much I'll be able to write at least in the short term.  Most attempts of mine to write lately result in my brain being like this:

I'll keep trying anyway.
 I'm not sure if that means I'm persistent or have the intelligence of a Hamster.

Remission is weird.  Everyone thinks cancer is done but it's really not.  Not for me anyway.  Don't get me wrong, remission is a blessing and there are many who never get to this point and I am so grateful.  At the same time, remission doesn't mean I'm out of the woods.  I'm not considered cured until I've made it 5 years with no detectable signs of cancer.  I just had a follow up CT scan and I go for a check-up and to get the results Friday.  I have to live my life like cancer couldn't just pop back up anytime, and that's what I intend to to,  but it's hard when I'm still going for scans and check ups every few months.  I'm still living with the physical effects of chemo.  I wake up with nerve pain in my arms at least once a night and my circulation is not great.  I can't wear my wedding band because my hands are a bit swollen.  My cognitive function is still in the crapper.  My energy level is improving and the cognitive function is as well, just not as fast as I'd like.

In many ways it's like this cancer thing is just starting to happen to me because as the physical effects slowly disappear, everything that happened is starting to really sink in.  When I was in the middle of it I was just pushing pushing pushing through being positive positive positive and chirp chirp chirping that I was blessed blessed blessed when I wasn't asleep asleep asleep or loopy loopy loopy.  Now I'm trying to be Mom again and sometimes it just hits me all at once and I'm just like "DID THAT REALLY ALL JUST HAPPEN?!?!?!?  WHY ARE WE ALL JUST STANDING HERE ACTING LIKE LIFE IS NORMAL DO YOU KNOW WHAT KIND OF CRAZY ASS CRAP CAN HAPPEN TO YOU AT ANYTIME??????  OH MY FLIPPING GOODNESS THE LAST YEAR SERIOUSLY JUST WENT DOWN LIKE THAT?!?!?!?!?!?".  And then I feel bad.  Because I'm in remission and I should feel happy and grateful.  I should feel light and free but instead I feel a huge weight of responsibility.  I need to live up to the gift of my remission.  That's what 2014 is about.  That's what every year from now on will be about.  That's what every year should have been about all along and should always be...living in a way that reflects gratitude for the gift that is my life.

Obviously 3 months out from the last time they poisoned me isn't the best time to expect myself to be writing a whole lot, exercising non-stop, or most of the other things I dreamed I'd do after remission back when all I could do was lay in bed all day.  I'll figure it out, bit by bit, and I'll try to share it with you when I can.

Happy New Year dear friends!