|Judge Judy saw this next part coming from a mile away.|
So we went to the fridge and he freaked out over opening the fridge himself. So I tried to put him down so he could open it himself. So he freaked out over me trying to put him down and did the super abs thing where they lift their feet higher and higher as you lower their butt closer and closer to the floor.
|Like this with less attention to form and more rage.|
Adam would put the string cheese in my face and yell: "CHISS!" which I would interpret as "Mother, please open this string cheese." and so I would start to take it from him to open it "NOOOOOOOOOOO!!!!". sigh. "CHISS!" Mommy attempts to open it. "NOOOOOOOO!" SIGH. "CHISS!!!!!" Mommy attempts to open it. "NOOOOOOOO!!!!" On and on and on and on and on. Until he was in college. Actually for like 10-15 minutes, I'm not sure. Did I mention my Mom was watching this whole thing unfold? For some people Karma is a b****. For my Mom Karma is a rainbow butterfly who hands out all the candy you want. Which is what she deserves. She observed this whole scene with a mixture of pity and amusement, with tears in her eyes while trying to stifle a laugh. You know what? Right on, Mom. I get you. I'm sorry for every time I did that to you. You are a saint. A saint who gets to taste the sweet sweet nectar of revenge but takes pity on her former attacker.
What is this about? Are you going to turn into one of those Mom bloggers who're all like "Toddlers are unreasonable jerks woe is me? No, I won't, because it hit me last night that I am God's unreasonable toddler. Look at this girl:
|She's wearing a T-shirt and using a Pacifier!|
When they took her off of the ventilator and switched her to the air flow in the nasal cannula it was scary because her respiratory rate on the monitor didn't look perfect and predictable like a robot anymore. It looked variable like all human activities do. It went fast and then slow and then sometimes she would just be like "meh, breathing is dumb" and take a short break and I would FREAK OUT and the nurses would assure me everything was fine. I'm sorry but there is nothing fine about that and I don't care how fine it is. It's scary. But she continues to handle it well and they continue to wean her off of support and all my prayers are being answered.
I begged God to help my little girl outgrow those machines when she really wasn't ready (CHISS!!!), and now that she needs them less and less everyday I'm getting scared about the idea of her doing it all on her own (NNNOOOOOOO!!!!). I begged God to be able to bring her home (CHISS!!!) and now that we are moving closer to that goal I'm not so sure I'm ready (NNNNNOOOOOO!!!!!!). Poor God. It's a good thing he's so patient and loving. Oh. Right. He is patience and love.
Adam and I did the string cheese dance for awhile. He just hadn't felt right since he woke up from his nap. Maybe the girls playing woke him up before he was ready, maybe he was teething, maybe his bottom was sore, maybe he just had a bunch of big feelings and didn't know what to do with them. I held him for a long time and offered to open that damn cheese for what felt like a very long time. Eventually, between sitting in my lap and seeing that Mom would respond with love and patience (on the outside) no matter what, Adam calmed down. Eventually he toddled off to entertain himself for awhile.
I haven't felt right for a while and I've had big feelings I didn't know what to do with. I asked God for things and when they seem to start happening I get more feelings I don't know what to do with. God is so patient with me. He loves me even when I start to turn from the very things I asked for. He loves me even though my first instinct when things happen that I don't understand is "Where are you God?". He knows we will do this dance until the day I die, and He sits with me and is present with me anyway. He loves His unreasonable toddler.