Thursday, August 15, 2013

Like A Toddler With A String Cheese

Yesterday Adam woke up from his nap in a mood.  You know when toddlers wake up and they decide they want everything and nothing simultaneously RIGHT NOW?  It was that kind of mood.  I picked him up out of his crib and he was doing that whiny cry and he put his head on my shoulder.  For 2 seconds.  Then he started the back arch gravity drop but not the full back arch gravity drop.  He did the initiation of the back arch gravity drop that causes you as an experienced parent to start to put them down so they can toddle merrily on their way.  Wrong move idiot.

Judge Judy saw this next part coming from a mile away.
 Responding to the back arch gravity drop cue resulted in a blood curdling "NOOOOO!!!!!  Mooooommmmommmmm!!!!".  So this is how we're going to play it.  I reversed course and scooted him back up the 1/2 a millimeter I had shifted him down because when you start playing this game 2 year olds become like highly sensitive scientific equipment capable of detecting phenomena at the molecular level.  This whole interaction may not have even occurred on any physically perceptible level, it happened so fast.  As soon as I scooted him back up he started the back arch gravity drop and around we went.  So I did what any veteran parent does who wants to teach their children to deal with their unpleasant emotions in a functional manner...I brought him downstairs and tried to distract him with a snack.  Future food issues anyone?  As long as they come with a side of cheese.   In Adam's case, string cheese.  Lately string cheese has been Adam's fave.  I won't even begin to tell you the rate at which he can put those down.

So we went to the fridge and he freaked out over opening the fridge himself.  So I tried to put him down so he could open it himself.  So he freaked out over me trying to put him down and did the super abs thing where they lift their feet higher and higher as you lower their butt closer and closer to the floor.
Like this with less attention to form and more rage.
So I opened the fridge and got the cheese and tried to set him down to open it so he freaked out and did the abs thing again.  So I just handed him the string cheese because sometimes when he's feeling reasonable he likes to try to open things himself and he tries for a short time and then he asks me to do it for him.  I figured it would just go like that.  Seriously.  Idiot.  Hold on to your hats people, it did not go like that.

Adam would put the string cheese in my face and yell: "CHISS!" which I would interpret as "Mother, please open this string cheese." and so I would start to take it from him to open it "NOOOOOOOOOOO!!!!".  sigh.  "CHISS!" Mommy attempts to open it.  "NOOOOOOOO!" SIGH.  "CHISS!!!!!"  Mommy attempts to open it.  "NOOOOOOOO!!!!" On and on and on and on and on.  Until he was in college.  Actually for like 10-15 minutes, I'm not sure.  Did I mention my Mom was watching this whole thing unfold?  For some people Karma is a b****.  For my Mom Karma is a rainbow butterfly who hands out all the candy you want.  Which is what she deserves.  She observed this whole scene with a mixture of pity and amusement, with tears in her eyes while trying to stifle a laugh.  You know what?  Right on, Mom.  I get you.  I'm sorry for every time I did that to you.  You are a saint.  A saint who gets to taste the sweet sweet nectar of revenge but takes pity on her former attacker.

What is this about?  Are you going to turn into one of those Mom bloggers who're all like "Toddlers are unreasonable jerks woe is me?  No, I won't, because it hit me last night that I am God's unreasonable toddler.  Look at this girl:
She's wearing a T-shirt and using a Pacifier!
Avery continues to grow and progress every day.  Just like I've been begging God for her to do.  She is doing really well.  In the next few days she will be moving to an open crib and she has reached the 5lb mark.  She is beginning to learn to feed from a bottle and doing so well with it she gets to try 4 times a day.  They are beginning the process of removing her from respiratory support by reducing the flow in her nasal cannula and just today they stopped giving her caffeine.  Which as an aside: I find hilarious.  Premature infants sometimes need caffeine to help them remember to breathe.  You and me both, Avery.

When they took her off of the ventilator and switched her to the air flow in the nasal cannula it was scary because her respiratory rate on the monitor didn't look perfect and predictable like a robot anymore.  It looked variable like all human activities do.  It went fast and then slow and then sometimes she would just be like "meh, breathing is dumb" and take a short break and I would FREAK OUT and the nurses would assure me everything was fine.  I'm sorry but there is nothing fine about that and I don't care how fine it is.  It's scary.  But she continues to handle it well and they continue to wean her off of support and all my prayers are being answered.

I begged God to help my little girl outgrow those machines when she really wasn't ready (CHISS!!!), and now that she needs them less and less everyday I'm getting scared about the idea of her doing it all on her own (NNNOOOOOOO!!!!).  I begged God to be able to bring her home (CHISS!!!) and now that we are moving closer to that goal I'm not so sure I'm ready (NNNNNOOOOOO!!!!!!).  Poor God.  It's a good thing he's so patient and loving.  Oh.  Right.  He is patience and love.

Adam and I did the string cheese dance for awhile.  He just hadn't felt right since he woke up from his nap.  Maybe the girls playing woke him up before he was ready, maybe he was teething, maybe his bottom was sore, maybe he just had a bunch of big feelings and didn't know what to do with them.  I held him for a long time and offered to open that damn cheese for what felt like a very long time.  Eventually, between sitting in my lap and seeing that Mom would respond with love and patience (on the outside) no matter what, Adam calmed down.  Eventually he toddled off to entertain himself for awhile.

I haven't felt right for a while and I've had big feelings I didn't know what to do with.  I asked God for things and when they seem to start happening I get more feelings I don't know what to do with.  God is so patient with me.  He loves me even when I start to turn from the very things I asked for.  He loves me even though my first instinct when things happen that I don't understand is "Where are you God?".  He knows we will do this dance until the day I die, and He sits with me and is present with me anyway.  He loves His unreasonable toddler.


  1. You go girl! String cheese does rock so Adam is a smart little boy! His acrobatics come from his strong mommy!

    1. Lol, my kids are skeptical that acrobatics were ever part of Mommy's life, and you're right, Adam is a smart little boy. :)

  2. Seriously? Caffeine? That is so fascinating and hilarious. Like a grande double shot right in the I.V. Go Avery! When we have a day at the park she'll be all like "no, I'm just gonna sit over here and chat with the moms over our coffee, other babies. Catch you over by the sandbox later when I wake up." Does it make them agitated?

    Anyway, I love this. And love so much that she's doing so well. And Adam. I get you, bro. That's pretty much how I wake up every day.

    1. I know, right? SHE'S going to be asking ME to go to Tim Horton's!

  3. I get the whole thing about the "CHISS" and the "No" but I'm just so happy God is giving you that chiss, so, so happy :D Hugs

  4. These metaphors are awesome! And I really needed them today. Thanks and God bless you!

  5. I'd say what you feel is pretty normal for a mom with two little ones, one of them not well. See if Mom can watch the kids. Then go into your room, shut the door, sleep, read whatever. Maybe that will help.

  6. You're right Marilynne, having help is so important. We're blessed with a lot of it!


I love your comments...please say hello and share your thoughts. "Meeting" my readers is such a treat!