Friday, June 21, 2013

A Brief Note On This Blog And Its Author

First, thank you to all of you who read my rambling spoutings and who have expressed your support through the comments section and on Facebook.  I appreciate it so much and I'm grateful for your warm reception.  Feel free to let others know I'm out here playing writer.  I made the decision to actually let it be known this blog is in existence because first and foremost, I want other pregnant women facing difficult diagnoses, particularly cancer, to know that so much can be done for you.  You have so many more options than "You die or your son/daughter dies".  As a practical matter, I also want this to be a centralized place to tell our story and keep others updated about my treatment and progress.

As I moved past the posts that describe the time of my diagnosis, it has become very much about working through my thoughts and feelings.  I'm afraid that a lot of it reads like I've got it together.  At least that's what people tell me, and it makes me feel a bit like a fraud.  I'm afraid you're getting the wrong impression about me--like I float through each day full of certainty and a firm resolve and dispensing inspirational Pinterest-esque one liners and I just don't.  Life is just not like that.  It's just not.  At least mine isn't.  If anyone got that impression from reading this blog it would make me sad.  I mean and believe everything I've shared here, but the individual posts are just snapshots of me.

Most of us, at some time or other, have read something or seen something that made us feel like we didn't measure up, or that someone else was just "more" than us in some way.  For Moms, most of us have read blog posts by other Moms full of gorgeous photos of crafts and snacks and their kids writing essays "just because" or their kid's totally handmade custom themed birthday party.  Some of us have looked at those pictures and read the captions while dumping some cheerios directly onto the coffee table for our toddler and thought: "Why didn't you include the 800 number for the suicide prevention hotline at the end of this post for the rest of us?".  Oh, you haven't?  Well I have.  I don't think those blogs or those women are bad.  I don't think they're dishonest.  I also don't think everyday of their lives looks like that, and they don't mean for me to.  It's the nature of the written word and visual mediums that whatever you record is a snapshot of a moment.  That's what this blog is.  A snapshot.  Snapshots are not lies, but they're not the whole story either.

The things I write about my attitude or anything else I may spout about in the future...they're just pep talks I give myself.  They're just me trying to work this out.  When I say that we're all weak and that's ok, I'm not so much trying to teach you anything, I'm trying to beat some sense into myself.  It's not an indication of the day to day or minute to minute of my life.  Each post is something I work on over a few days or even a few weeks.  I don't just sit down and vomit that into the keyboard because I'm brimming with wisdom and serenity.  I vomit them into the keyboard and then rework them because it's swirling around in my coo coo head and I need to get it out.  I need to get it out and figure it out.  I realized publishing the vomit would be a way of holding myself accountable.  I'm more likely in dark moments to remember not to ask "Why me?", to count my blessings, or to lay my sufferings at God's feet because I said I would and I don't want to be a liar.  I also really believe the things I write but they are so hard to implement consistently. So, using my vanity against me, I tell you this stuff so I'm compelled to believe it when I don't feel like it.  Because sometimes I don't feel like it.  It's easier in the moment to take the easy way out and feel sorry for myself.  So I told you what I should do so that I'm more likely to do it.

I also have a lot of time to think right now.  I spend a lot of time in waiting rooms and laying in bed.  It makes it much easier to produce coherent long-form thoughts.  Please don't think I can just spew this stuff and then have the self awareness and grit it takes to apply it to myself in a meaningful way all the time.  Please.

So, if I say something you like, I'm so honored.  But don't for one second think I have it together.  Sometimes I lose my temper and sometimes I feel sorry for myself, just like you.  I'm trying to figure this out as I go.


  1. Nella - I love how you speak about blogs being snapshots. They truly are. I know on my own I have posts that showcase the "good" things but there are those posts of admission where I've been "hit on the head" by some simple truth that has been eluding me but staring me right in the face. I also appreciate the fact that through your writing you are working out your feelings and your transparency reagrding those same feelings. Keep up the writing & keep up the fight for your health and that of the little one inside you!


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